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Jesus was Gay! This I know, for the Bible tells me so

Written and Compiled by

Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

Evangelicals glory in discriminating against homosexuals in the name of their Lord and Savior, who for the record never said a word about gays.  Perhaps there’s a good reason He didn’t.  Could it be Jesus himself was “light in the sandals?”  The Bible never says Jesus wasn’t gay; but given the evidence to the contrary, maybe His mother wasn’t the only “Mary” in the family.

Jesus had a distant Father and a domineering mother.

He turned water into wine.  A straight man would have turned it into beer.  Not to mention, he one upped the host with better wine than was being served (a shady move by any gay standard).

Until the age of 30, Jesus was a “craftsman,” which is only a euphemism for interior designer.

He spent the next three years with his twelve “buddies” sightseeing in a caftan and open toed sandals.

His buddies all went by their full names. Nathaniel, Phillip, Andrew, Mathew, Thomas, etc. Gay men are known for this. If Judas was into vajayjay, he would have been called Jud; Mathew, Matt; and Peter would have been Pete.

Jesus had an opinion on everything and thought everyone was entitled to it.

He saved a hooker from stoning, but then didn’t fuck her like a straight man.  Yet, he kept her around. #beard.

Jesus couldn’t just go to Jerusalem for Passover. Oh no, he had to make a grand entrance.

It takes a gay man to turn a simple dinner party into a whole night of drama. (one that people are still talking about.)

Jesus “best friend” turned out to be a treacherous bitch! (like we haven’t all been there)

Only a gay man would have a tiny waist and abs like his.

Jesus went away for a three-day makeover and came back so fabulous his own friends didn’t even recognize him.

Main Artwork: In 1974, home appliance retailer Yamagiwa Corporation printed 1,974 copies of a promotional poster featuring a Jesus portrait by noted pop artist Tadanori Yokoo. The poster depicts Christ in front of a colorful mandala-like pattern centered around an inverted triangle, which Yokoo described as being a Tantric symbol of Shakti, the feminine creative energy of the universe, though it could just as well represent the Holy Trinity.


2 thoughts on “Jesus was Gay! This I know, for the Bible tells me so

  • Tammy Faye

    I see what you are saying, BUT, no gay man would be caught dead in those sandals he wore.

    • You do have a point. Tho it does prove his Disciples were gay because only a bunch of evil queens would let Him keep wearing them and not say shit.


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