By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.
At a time when we’d be gathering with those we hold most dear to count our blessings in the year gone by, getting together is the last thing we should be doing in the runaway bobsled to Hell that is 2020, and it feels more like we’re down for the count. But no matter how dark the skies or gray the clouds, we can always look to our rainbow and be grateful to be gay. In case you need a reminder after all we’ve been through, here’s a fabulous Guide to Gay Gratitude.
Being Gay — With all the rights, privileges and honors appertaining thereto; including being fabulous, stylish, taste makers, trendsetters, and influencers in ways straight people will soon want to imitate.
Gay Saints — Judy, Barbra, Liza, Bette, Patti, Cher, and Madonna whose legendary talent and stature no longer require need of their mortal surnames, Garland, Streisand, Minelli, Midler, LuPone, Bono-Allman, or Ciccone from whom we draw strength and inspiration. Not to mention, the “Patron Saint of Homosexuals,” St. Sebastian (no kidding); who was undoubtedly chosen so priests could identify gay men by all the lisping going on while they were saying his name in prayer.
Fierce Black Divas — Darlene Love, Aretha Franklin, Martha Wash, Whitney Houston, Mary J. Blige, Beyoncé, Billy Porter, et al, whose understanding of gay men’s tortured souls compels them to sing. The connection between gay men and black women is so strong in fact; it is thought that gay men are black women who didn’t completely reincarnate.
Yes, I'm ready. Hope, there's plenty!
I'm so ready for these remixes of #FinallyReady! Thank you @Catz_n_Dogz and @DJDavidPenn for adding your magic. And yes, y'all. It is time to DANCE so turn it up!!@glitterboxibiza @DefectedRecords @UKShapeshifters https://t.co/UDHFbGUKcL pic.twitter.com/VQTVl8nCYV
— Billy Porter (@theebillyporter) November 13, 2020
Nieces and Nephews – We enjoy spoiling them rotten, making us the de facto “fabulous gay uncle” which their tight-ass parents thoroughly resent. So, for all the teasing and torment we took from our siblings growing up, revenge is now served cold. #delicious
Women who carry the “Gay Gene” – They breed with hot studs and continue populating the world with the next generation of beautiful gay babies. We couldn’t do it without you!
Liquor – Cabernet, Pinot Noir, Pinot Grigori, Chardonnay, vodka, scotch, bourbon, and/or any other liquor that gets us through family gatherings at the holidays without bloodshed.
Therapists — They helps us learn to let go of damaging baggage from our families; cope with the never-ending drama of insane friends; and resist choking the living shit out of fucked up exes who desperately deserve it. (God bless their prescription pads too)
Legalized Same-Sex Marriage – The battle was hard fought, the day longtime coming, but we have full equality (for the moment anyway) in reciprocity for the all the Tupperware and expensive wedding presents we’ve given hetero-couples for decades.
Cake – This may be the season when we typically eat pie, but cake is delicious all year round.
Hot Men going Commando – Thank you for making the world a more beautiful place to behold, hold, stroke, etc.