The Hilarious 12 Days of Christmas, Her Side of the Story
We’ve all given Christmas presents that were not received with the appreciation, enthusiasm, and joy we had anticipated. Imagine if you were the devoted suitor who sent his true love all those gifts for twelve days of Christmas. According to PNC, this year you’d be dropping $41,205, or if you count each mention of an item separately (which would be 364 gifts in all) it’s a grand total of $179,454.19.
It’s a lot of love!
Now imagine what might happen if that peculiar collection of gifts, (assorted fowl, servants and a marching band) didn’t quite go over with the adoring love as intended. Here’s how someone (with a wicked Christmas hangover) thought it might play out.
A young woman writing a letter. Pen-and-ink drawing by Charles Dana Gibson, c1900.
December 26th
My dearest darling John:
Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure? Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 27th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 28th
Dear John:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
Love, Agnes
December 29th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 30th
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 31st
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the honking. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
January 1st
John:
What’s with you and the damn birds??? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of sick joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. Stop the freaking birds!
Sincerely, Agnes
January 2nd
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the fuck am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they brought their damn cows too! There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
January 3rd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours! Agnes
January 4th
You rotten prick —
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts “ladies.” They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you! Agnes
December 5th
Listen Fuckhead!
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those bitches will never walk again. After the pipers ran through the maids, they’ve been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
