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Our Fabulous, Last-Minute, DIY, Halloween Costume Guide Returns

By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

“Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story.” – Mason Cooley

Last year the coronavirus pandemic put a hex on just about all in person Halloween activities.  But this year thanks to vaccines, commonsense Americans who got their covid shots will be out again partying.  The dumbass antivaxxers who did not, will be socially distancing six feet under.

With the Halloween weekend upon us, not everyone has a wall full of seamstress mice or Billy Porter to whip us up a fabulous frock for the ball.  Some of us have to do it our damn selves.

But fear not ghoulfriends, theOUTfront has returned with another fast, fierce, and fabulous Halloween costume guide to save the night.

Nightmare –The horrors of the past year have been enough to get any man down.  But Halloween is about facing the terrifying experiences that haunt us and overcoming them.  And this costume is here to help!  Simply print out this prescription; then screw your courage to the sticking place and stand up for democracy as a January 6th Erectionist!

WARNING: Not effective on the GOP, GQP, or any Republicans who don’t have the balls to say, “the election of Joe Biden was fair and free of fraud.”

Write on! – Need something that also works solo with a boyfriend or group date costume? Get everyone an all-cotton white t-shirt plus a multi-color pack of Sharpie markers to share and you’re good to go.  When you get to the party let people write or draw (whatever they want!) on your shirts all night and you become, Graffiti.  (Note: graffiti shirts are great party souvenirs and to make them last, wash new t-shirts before writing on them

Solidarity – Always look for the union label by showing your support for labor! Put on pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a ballcap with this sign around your neck proudly proclaiming you’re a Nudist on Strike!

Where’s my drink? – Last minute invites can be such a pain in the ass, especially if you’re expected to be in a costume.  But this solution is as close by as your gym bag or underwear drawer.  Show up wearing only a jockstrap and when asked, “what’re you supposed to be?” Reply, “What else? a Cup Holder.

…or else! – Dress in a black shirt, black pants, with black shoes (what gay man doesn’t have that slimming outfit at the ready?) and stick $20 worth of postage stamps to yourself to extort praise when you arrive as, Blackmail.

Disclaimer: This costume may be hazardous to your health, especially if you’re unarmed and stopped by the police for no reason.

Out on a Limb – A quick stop at the craft store and your nightstand stand for two items and you’ve completed this autumnal outfit.  A garland of colorful leaves to wrap around your trunk and your favorite bottle of lube is all you’ll need for OctoberFIST.

Optional accessory: clothing

Sour Puss – Ever wanted to show Beyoncé she ain’t got shit on you? It’s pretty simple with some iron letters spelling out LIFE on a T-shirt and big ol’ bag of lemons to hand out at the party. Imagine what she’d and everyone else would do, When Life Gives You Lemons.

How do you take it? – Sometimes the easiest costumes are the ones right at hand, or even in our hands.  For example, take a pair of white pants, and a white shirt with a brown belt; then print out a large Starbucks logo to attach to the buckle and you’re a Grande Cup of Coffee.

Extra Credit: Go shirtless and tell everyone you’re a steamin’ hot!

All in your Head – There isn’t anyone who wouldn’t benefit from time with a good therapist; and that’s probably what the clerk is probably going to think who sees a grown ass man like you trying to find a woman’s slip in his size.  Once you have it home, in large type, print and cutout these words and phrases:

Id, Ego, Superego, psychosexual development, oral stage, anal stage, phallic stage, latency, genital stage, Oedipal complex, Electra complex, Libido, Pleasure principle

Next, glue them to the garment, und auch der Leiber, you’re a Freudian slip.

Optional accessory: a cigar

Reflections – It is said, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” at least that’s what you can tell everyone with this lazy AF costume.  Just wear whatever you fuckin feel like.  And when people ask, “Where’s your costume???”  Say “I’m wearing it.”  And when they reply, “Well, who are you supposed to be?” Hold up your hand mirror and say, “You.”

Quoth the Raven…


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