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Jesus Was Gay?  You Don’t Say!

Written and compiled by Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

As the “New Right” passes state laws banning books by and about LGBTQ people and Florida’s heinous “Don’t Say Gay” law is copied by more states like Tennessee and Ohio, they would do well to reflect on scripture.

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Mark 12:31

In addition to not breaking the Lord’s commandment, “these holier than thou” Conservatives probably don’t want to break their own laws, especially since they can be sued for thousands of dollars.   I mean, half the Bible is about a man who was gay AF.

You don’t say!  Oh but I do say, Jesus was gay!

While the New Right and their Evangelical base glories in hate and self-righteous discrimination of LGBTQ people in the name of their Lord and Savior, Jesus never said a word about being gay.

Perhaps there’s a good reason He didn’t.  Could it be Jesus Himself was a little “light in the sandals?”  The Bible never says Jesus wasn’t gay; and given the evidence to the contrary, maybe His mother wasn’t the only “mary” in the family.   You decide…

Jesus had a distant Father and a domineering mother.

He turned water into wine.  A straight man would have turned it into beer.  Not to mention, he one upped the host with better wine than was being served (a shady move by any gay standard).

Until the age of 30, Jesus was a “craftsman,” which is just a euphemism for interior designer.

He spent the next three years with his twelve “buddies” sightseeing in a caftan and open toed sandals.

His buddies all went by their full names. Nathaniel, Phillip, Andrew, Mathew, Thomas, etc. Gay men are known for this. If Judas was into vajayjay, he would have been called Jud; Mathew, Matt; and Peter would have been Pete.

Jesus had an opinion on everything and thought everyone was entitled to it.

He saved a hooker from stoning, but then didn’t fuck her like any straight man.  Still… he kept her around. #beard.

Jesus couldn’t just go to Jerusalem for Passover.  Oh no, he had to make a grand entrance. (and on a Sunday.  A precursor to the first Pride Parade?)

It takes a gay man to turn a simple dinner party into a whole night of drama. (one that people are still talking about)

After dinner, Jesus went to the Garden of Gethsemane “…and began to be grieved and distressed.”  Seriously? Cuz His party didn’t go well?  DRA. MA. Queen!  Can’t you just hear His Father saying, “You want something to cry about?  I’ll give you something to cry about tomorrow!”

Jesus’s “best friend” turned out to be a treacherous bitch! (like we haven’t all been there)

Only a gay man would have a tiny waist and abs like his.

Jesus went away for a three-day makeover and came back so fabulous his own friends didn’t recognize him.


Main Artwork: In 1974, home appliance retailer Yamagiwa Corporation printed 1,974 copies of a promotional poster featuring a Jesus portrait by noted pop artist Tadanori Yokoo. The poster depicts Christ in front of a colorful mandala-like pattern centered around an inverted triangle, which Yokoo described as being a Tantric symbol of Shakti, the feminine creative energy of the universe, though it could just as well represent the Holy Trinity.


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