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Biblical Proof That Jesus Was Gay

Written and compiled by

Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

Evangelicals glory in discriminating against homosexuals in the name of their Lord and Savior.  These holier than thou hypocrites would do well to refresh their memory of scripture and heed their Lord’s commandment.

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Mark 12:31

For the record, Jesus never said a word about gays.  Perhaps there’s a good reason He didn’t.  Could it be Jesus himself was “light in the sandals?”

It’s probably been a long time since most of us have opened “the good book.”  But looking at the gospels again with “fresh eyes,” we might see something very interesting that we hadn’t noticed before.  The Bible never says Jesus wasn’t gay; and given the evidence to the contrary, maybe His mother wasn’t the only “Mary” in the family.

 

Jesus had a distant Father and a domineering mother.

He turned water into wine.  A straight man would have turned it into beer.  Not to mention, he one upped the host with better wine than was being served (a shady move by any gay standard).

Until the age of 30, Jesus was a “craftsman,” which is just a euphemism for interior designer.

He spent the next three years with his twelve “buddies” sightseeing in a caftan and open toed sandals.

His buddies all went by their full names. Nathaniel, Phillip, Andrew, Mathew, Thomas, etc. Gay men are known for this. If Judas was into vajayjay, he would have been called Jud; Mathew, Matt; and Peter would have been Pete.

Jesus had an opinion on everything and thought everyone was entitled to it.

He saved a hooker from stoning, but then didn’t fuck her like any straight man.  Still… he kept her around. #beard.

Jesus couldn’t just go to Jerusalem for Passover.  Oh no, he had to make a grand entrance. (…and on a Sunday.  A precursor to the first Pride Parade?)

It takes a gay man to turn a simple dinner party into a whole night of drama. (one that people are still talking about)

After dinner, Jesus went to the Garden of Gethsemane “…and began to be grieved and distressed.”  Seriously? Cuz His dinner party didn’t go well?  DRA. MA. Queen!  Can’t you just hear His Father saying, “You want something to cry about?  I’ll give you something to cry about tomorrow!”

Jesus’s “best friend” turned out to be a treacherous bitch (we’ve all been there)

Only a gay man would have a tiny waist and abs like his.

Jesus went away for a three-day makeover and came back so fabulous his own friends didn’t recognize him.

 

Main Artwork: In 1974, home appliance retailer Yamagiwa Corporation printed 1,974 copies of a promotional poster featuring a Jesus portrait by noted pop artist Tadanori Yokoo. The poster depicts Christ in front of a colorful mandala-like pattern centered around an inverted triangle, which Yokoo described as being a Tantric symbol of Shakti, the feminine creative energy of the universe, though it could just as well represent the Holy Trinity.

 

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