By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.
The countdown to Halloween is on, and you haven’t got a thing to wear. But if you’d rather fellate a zombie than set foot in a costume shop and don’t want to stake a bitch in her rebel heart for the last Madonna ensemble, fear not!
Like Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother, theOUTfront is here to help with these last minute costume ideas that will get you to the ball in fabulous fashion.
Fasten your glue guns; it’s going to be a bumpy night!
Who are you? — Stop by the office supply store for a package of “Hello my name is…” name tags and a marker. Fill out a dozen or so with different aliases and stick them all over yourself. Add a black mask from your sex box under the bed and be transformed into an Identity Thief.
icostume – An economy bag of sponges from the dollar store and some glue is all you’ll need for this outfit. Attach the sponges to a shirt and pants and you’ve become, Self-absorbed. (optional accessory: a cell phone so you can ignore everyone at the party and read about what’s happening at it on social media while obsessing over the “likes” you’re getting.)
Racist Runt – Put on your best conservative suit and a white pillowcase over your head with two eye holes and buy a package of “Elfin Crackers” to pass out as your business cards to go as US Attorney General Jeff Sessions. (Note: Be sure not to get the “E. L. Fudge” Cookies because Sessions hates anything resembling “brown people” or “packing fudge.”
Off with their heads! – With some red construction paper and pair of scissors your royal costume quest is at an end. Cut out several hearts in different sizes; attach them to your regalia; and your highness is crowned, Queen of Hearts. (Optional accessory: a tiara but that’s overstating the obvious wouldn’t you say?)
Write on! – Need something that also works as a boyfriend or group date costume? Get everyone an all-cotton white t-shirt plus a multi-color pack of Sharpie markers to share and you’re good to go. When you get to the party let people write or draw (whatever they want!) on your shirts all night and you become, Graffiti. (Note: graffiti shirts are great party souvenirs and to make them last, wash new t-shirts before writing on them
Rock dat body – Spend countless hours at the gym? Endless nights worrying about the tic-tac you had for dinner? Love to flaunt what your Daddy gave you? Then don nothing but your best pair of briefs, a sultry scowl, and spend the night of your dreams as an Underwear Model. Or do the opposite — Put on pants and a long-sleeved shirt with a sign around your neck stating, Nudist on Strike!
Make a stink – Head to the craft store for a t-shirt and iron on letters spelling out, No Cheeses (as in Know Jesus); poster board, a thick marker, and a pole for a protest sign proclaiming, GOD HATES MILK. And quicker than you can say Dairy Queen you’re, Lactose Intolerant.
…or else! – Dress in black shirt, black pants, with black shoes (what gay man doesn’t have that slimming outfit at the ready?) and stick $20 worth of postage stamps to yourself to extort praise when you arrive as, Blackmail. Disclaimer: This costume may be hazardous to your health, especially if you’re unarmed and stopped by the police for no reason.
You better work! – Wrap a large bath towel around your chest; a second around your head like a turban; liberally apply cheap-ass eye makeup, blush, and lipstick; spritz with water till it starts running down your face and voila, you’re a Drag Queen Coming Out of the Shower! (optional accessory: the open-toed, sling back, pumps in your closet)
Mmph! – Go on and wear whatever you daaamn well please, mmk? And when people ask, “Where’s your costume???” Tell ’em, “I planned on coming as you; but when I got to the costume store, wouldn’t you know they was sold out of annoying bitch.”
And you won’t need to worry about a Halloween costume next year neither, ok? OK!
(Main photo credit: Charlie Williams)
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