By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr
Listen Up Witches!
With the real-life horror show we’re living in America right now; the idea of Halloween haunts and party couture may seem as repulsive an idea as it would be to a zombie forced to feed on Trump’s brain to survive.
But survive we must and theOUTfront is here to help you with some sassy and sexy last-minute costume ideas. They’ll also keep you from entering the gates of Hell aka those popup costume shops now inhabiting the abandoned corpses of our childhood, Toys-R-Us.
Guuurl – On your next trip to the grocery store, grab a package of Honey Maids from the cookie aisle and mascara, if you’re running low. Put on a suit and tie, a conservative pair of pumps, and a few strokes of mascara. At the party, express moral outrage in your best southern accent while passing out the crackers to constituents and y’all are Miss Lindsey Graham Cracker.
Take it off – Costumes are about fantasy so why not live out yours? Go through the recycling and pullout all the junk mail that has come in the last few days. Start cutting the envelopes into long pieces and glue one end of them to an old shirt. Cut more long pieces to take with you for seductively teasing party guests as a Mail Stripper.
What are you Hiding? – A quick trip to the office supply store for shipping labels and a few minutes on the internet and you’ve got the name badge for your dream side hustle. Add a brown shirt, brown shorts, and a pair of work boots and now you’re the official party, “Package” Inspector.
NO Vacancy — Stop by the local discount, dollar, or thrift store for a pet cage and a brown doll baby. Swaddle the dolly in foil and place it inside the cage and head for the boarder as Trump’s Zero Tolerance Policy.
Where’s my drink? Last minute invites can be such a pain in the ass, especially if you’re expected to be in a costume. But this solution is as close by as your gym bag or underwear drawer. Show up in a jockstrap and when asked, “what’re you supposed to be?” Reply, “What do you think? a Cup Holder.”
Surfs Up – Print out campaign logos for Democratic candidates like Beto O’Rourke, Jacky Rosen, Stacey Abrams, etc on labels and cut them out. Put the stickers on a pair of jeans and bright azure shirt and greet everyone at the party with a Blue Wave.
Flippers, and Porn Stars, and Mueller, Oh My! – Print and cut out photos of Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti, Michael Cohen, John Kelly, Paul Manfort and all the other terrors that haunt the White House. Attach them to the most tremendously awful outfit you can and become, Trump’s Worst Nightmare.
Bottoms Up – Sometime less is more and if you like to show off by taking it off, then all you need is two items. Put on your best pair of black undies and with a gold star securely attach to the front. Party guest will not only get to marvel at your heavenly body but catch a glimpse of a Shooting Star.
Hallelujah – Print and cut out pictures of your favorite crushes, movies stars, and/or porn performers. Cut various lengths of clear fishing line attaching one end to each photo tying the other end to the spoke of an umbrella. Stand under the open umbrella in a trench coat or slicker and it’s Raining Men!
Mmph – But as always, go on and wear whatever you daaamn well please, mmk? And when people ask, “Where’s your costume???” Tell ’em, “I planned on coming as you; but when I got to the costume store, wouldn’t you know they was sold out of annoying bitch.”
And you won’t need to worry about a Halloween costume next year neither, ok? OK!