Our Third Annual, Last-Minute, Halloween Costume Guide

By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

“By the pricking of my thumbs,

Something wicked this way comes!”

When Shakespeare’s witches warned of an evil despot who usurped his power from the rightful ruler and thought himself invincible to the forces of mortals, no one imagined they were seeing 400 years in the future.  Yet here we are.  With all the spineless ghouls, chinless goblins, and soulless servants protecting their Satanic Kumquat 24/7 365, it’s a bit surprising that Americans are still indulging in the horrors of Halloween.

But they are and it’s getting down to the witching hour.  If you’re still without a costume, fear not.  TheOUTfront, is back again with our fabulous last-minute costume ideas to keep you out of those house of horror, costume shops.

A face in the crowd – Join the party with the easiest costume idea on our list.  Simply printout the DNC logo below and attach it to the lapel of your best suit.  Now, start shaking hands and campaigning!  With 20 some odd contenders, who can say you’re not actually one of the Democratic presidential primary candidates?

Feckless — Orange lipstick and yellow tape is all you need to turn a suit into an American horror story.  Use the tape to make a “yellow streak” down the back of your jacket.  Next, draw a messy orange ring around your lips and mouth.   Faster than a full moon transforming a werewolf, you’re a Senate Republican. (Optional accessory: a red baseball cap)

Presenting… – Still rockin’ your summer body?  Looking for any excuse to show off in your hottest briefs?  Then all you need from the craft store is a giant gift bow and tag made of poster board  to tie around your neck reading “From: GOD   To: MEN.”  Then everyone will know you’re God’s Gift to Men.

Too late – Hard boil two dozen eggs and color using your favorite method.  Place them in last spring’s basket and dress in your brightest pastel clothes.  At the party,  hand out the eggs wishing everyone, “Happy Easter!”  When invariably asked what you’re supposed to be say, a procrastinator.  (Optional accessory: rabbit ears for a procrastinating bunny)

Syriaously? – Stop at the grocery store for a bottle of light corn syrup, red food dye and a pint of cottage cheese.  Place cottage cheese in a strainer and rise under running water and drain thoroughly.  Pour corn syrup into a medium bowl adding enough red dye to look like blood.  Gently stir in cottage cheese and you’re ready to go as what’s left of the Kurds. (Optional accessory: military fatigues or Trump costume)

My Bad – A fabric or craft store will have everything needed to make a sash reading, “SORRY.”  Worn over your tuxedo and with a contrite face you’ll be a formal apology.

Genius! – Got a butt men can’t stop staring at?  Like walking around in just your undies?  Print and cut out faces of famous geniuses like Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, Einstein, Isaac Newton etc.  Attach them to the backside ONLY of a pair of underwear and everyone will know you’re a smartass!

Come to Papa!  If you’re a gay man of a certain age, you undoubted know someone who’s had a baby (like that gay couple without a social life anymore) and has a carrier you can borrow for a night.  Strap in a bag of Domino Pure Cane to become a Sugar Daddy.  (Optional accessory: your twinkie boyfriend with his gilded shovel who *no one* thinks is a Gold Digger)

Mazel Tov! –  Using iron letters from the craft store, spell out BLESSING on the chest of a blank T-shirt.  Now, put on dark sunglasses, a ball cap pulled down, an open jacket, and draw on a fake moustache. Try as you might, there’ll be no hiding you’re a blessing in disguise.  (Optional accessory: a wig or any leftover costume pieces from years gone by)

Daaamn! Time to clean out the back of your drag closet for this ensemble, but if you come up short hit the dollar store for whatever you may need.  Using an old dress, rip it up but leaving it wearable.  Do your makeup, then smear it.  Put your wig on, then fuck it up.  Put a damn run in your hose.  Wearing only one muthafuckin pump, walk into that party with your head held high cuz you’re the winner of a drag queen cat fight!  (If they don’t believe you, show’em the other bitch’s wig in your hand.)

 

(Infographic: Vivino)

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