Man’s Best Friend

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Man’s Best Friend, by Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

Whoever called a dog, “man’s best friend” obviously never had a penis (aka dick, cock, pecker, wiener, joystick, schlong, man meat, tally whacker, John Thomas, and/or Schwanzstucker) because men embrace theirs from the get-go.  Ultrasounds have shown male fetuses in the last trimester with in utero erections and tiny hands clutching on.  By the time “the boys” drop around age 12 or 13 and the package is complete; and the once friendship has grown into a lifetime obsession filled with prowess and pride, comparisons, and above all pleasure.

But what do we really know about every man’s penile pal?

Let’s start at the beginning, which usually depends on your perspective i.e., if it’s your tool or someone else’s, but in this case the word itself.  Penis, typically referring to the shaft, is Latin for “tail,” while testes (aka nads, balls, plumbs, rocks, and/or bollox) share the Latin root for “witness” which according to Dr. Steven Lamm, MD’s book. The Hardness Factor comes from the Roman law practice of a man holding his junk while “testifying” in court.  (Or possibly it was just a way of distracting opposing counsel millennia before “Basic Instinct,” but the jury is still out.)

Dr. Lamm also cites the men of Australia’s Walibri tribe who greet each other, by shaking Johnsons instead of hands.  Apparently it’s not just gay men in America who enjoy this custom. Men the world over, whether ancient or modern, developed or primitive, all value taking matters into their own hands.

As for the actual nuts and bolt, everyone “says” size isn’t important, unless of course you’re walking around naked in the locker room at the gym.  FYI… gymnasium comes from the Greek word “gymnazo” meaning “to exercise naked” (yet another reason to go Greek).

For most men, their left gonad hangs lower than the other. But in approximately 10% of men, the right one hangs lower, because they’re left-handed.  Seriously, it’s a proven fact.  But do the research, and if they’re wrong, it won’t be a waste of time finding out.

It has been said, “God’s only design flaw in man is that He gave him two heads but only enough blood to use one or the other, but not both at the same time.”  It’s hard to argue with that.  Considering the average erection only requires about two to three tablespoons of blood, it doesn’t say much for the brain activity of most men when it’s channeled to the other head either.

As for length, width, girth, circumference, cut/uncut, ethnic stereotypes, and grow-ers vs show-ers, no study, statistics, or evidence is going to change the perceptions and preferences of anyone.  He’s your best friend who has been with you since the beginning and will be with you till the end.  Who else can you say that about?  So like anyone with you through thick and thin, you love him for his strengths as well as whatever his shortcomings may be because he is yours.

Lawrence Pfeil, Jr., is a freelance writer/playwright/critic whose publishers include the New York Blade and Edge Publications.

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