By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.
‘Twas the season of Christmas and all through the land,
The gay men were fretting, ‘or the holiday at hand.
With parties and presents and families to bear,
Each one of them thought, “I really don’t care.”
But what to their wandering eyes should be gleaming?
A blog with ideas and advice that was teeming!
Oy to the World! – What would the holidays be without fabulous Jewish divas like Miss Barbra Streisand, Miss Bette Midler, and Miss Barry Manilow singing Christmas carols? These classic albums also make excellent gifts for those meshuggah marriages between nice Jewish boys who bring home shiksa husbands. Are they trying to kill their mothers?
Give it to Him – Whether hot and spicy, long and overstuffed, or wildly exotic, a Sausage of the Month Club is ideal for the man who just can’t get enough. For three generations, Esposito’s Finest Quality Sausages in New York City have been delivering their meat since 1933, offering something to satisfy ever taste and desire throughout the year.
Baby it’s Cold Outside – Want to keep your man warm this winter with the perfect gift? Then get him a sexy red union suit! (Available at NastyPig.com) With a flap in the front and one in the back, they’re designed with easy access in mind for any and all occasions. After all, unwrapping the package is half the fun!
For the Foodies – If you have one of those pretentious gourmets in your circle to shop for, what could be better than a cookbook? Gay and lesbian chefs will love “50 Ways to Eat Cock,” “50 Ways to Eat a Beaver” and for their precious little ones, “Cooking with Pooh.”
Hung with Care – For all those little presents like host/hostess gifts, Secret Santa exchanges and stocking stuffers, ornaments are the perfect go to item and wonderful remembrances of Christmases gone by. What gay man can resist shiny bobbles or smooth glossy balls?
Visions of Sugar Possums — If “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” send you scrambling for an insulin kit; add some spice to your seasonal viewing with “The Dame Edna Experience: Christmas Specials.” From 1987 this Dame Edna classic, still sparkles bright as tinsel when she interviews the dashing Roger Moore and Mel Gibson, especially in a sauna. Because nothing says Christmas like a lavender haired Australian drag queen waving gladiolas.
Rooty Toot Toots and Rummy Tum Tums – Christmas may be for children, but now you can drive their obnoxious pain ass parents bat shit crazy by giving the kiddies one of the “Top Noisiest Toys” this year. A quick internet search will connect you with such nonstop racket rousers as Transforming Dinosaur, Electronic Drum Set, and Screaming Rubber Chicken, the world’s most annoying toy.
But this YouTube video is EDM hilarious with millions of views.
Holiday Insanity – Feel like you’re losing your mind during the holidays? Well, you won’t feel so bad after reading David Sedaris’s Holiday’s on Ice. His collection of yuletide essays includes “The Santaland Diaries,” Sedaris’s account of working as a 33 year old elf named Crumpet at Macy’s in New York City. From his diaries, “…I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn’t even find work as an elf. That’s when you know you’re a failure.”
One word – Booze
And I heard him exclaim… – Finally, everyone knows it’s the thought that counts. But nothing tells someone exactly how much you love them in cold hard monetary value like a gift card and sends the heartwarming Christmas message, “Get it yo daaamn self!”
(main photo credit Ben Cohen Order his new 2018 Calendar HERE!)