By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.
Baseball may be the “Great American Pass Time;” but ask any man if he’d rather watch five hours of boredom crammed into three or have sexual intercourse, aka bang, grind, screw, scrog, schtupp, knock boots, hide the cannoli, dance the horizontal mambo, and/or get laid; and he’d always rather be sliding into home plate himself. There are literally hundreds of slang terms for “a bit of how’s your father,” not counting the clinical and biological mood killing nomenclature that even a Barry White playlist couldn’t overcome.
But unquestionably the most popular and mythic term is fuck. According to Lube Jobs: A Woman’s Guide to Great Sex by Dan and Debra Macleod, fuck is a very old word and difficult to trace because it was considered too taboo for print by editors of the Oxford English Dictionary. The idea that “fuck” is an acronym i.e. “Fornication Under Command of the King” is in truth only pop culture folklore. “It may have a Scandinavian origin, similar to the Norwegian word fukka, meaning to ‘copulate,’ or the Swedish foka, meaning ‘to copulate, strike, push,’ or fock, meaning ‘penis.’”
While terms like “navigate the windward passage,” were considered socially acceptable for arse fucking the practice itself not so much. Sodomy, aka buggery, corn hollin’, fifth base, and/or riding the Hersey highway, while most often thought of as “bringing up the rear,” in actuality encompasses any sex act whose purpose is not procreative and was widely illegal throughout history. It wasn’t until 2003 that SCOTUS struck down sodomy laws in the US. Legal or not gay men, as well as many good Christian girls preserving their virginity, have been enjoying the practice for millennia.
From Lube Jobs, “Upper Paleolithic art dating back 30,000 years depicts people using dildos to pleasure themselves and others. That means mankind invented sex toys long before the wheel.” Too bad those cave paintings never made it into anthropology text books. The practice was apparently so common it’s even addressed in “holy” scripture.
Ezekiel 16:17 “Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them.”
This begs the questions: Given the manpower required with fashioning a golden phallus in the ancient world, who was making them? Who were the cock models? And why didn’t horny biblical bitches just ride one of them to begin with?
Even though fornicators and sodomites of all stripes and ilk don’t fair too well in The Bible, Dr. Steven Lamm M.D. in The Hardness Factor says, “Sex hasn’t always been associated with sin and guilt. Pre-Christian religions often regarded sex as a celebration and as a form of worship. Sex was seen as mirroring the sensual power of the gods.” This would explain why skilled practitioners of the coital arts frequently and verbosely cry out for their “maker” while engaging in it.
But humans aren’t the only members of world’s fauna to have sex just for pleasure. Bonobo chimpanzees are also known to engage in face-to-face genital sex, tongue kissing, oral sex, and communal sexual activity. Not only does this further support the theory that man evolved from apes, but gives etymological credence to the term “freaky monkey sex.”
What’s more, according to “Yale Scientific” in 2012, same sex attraction in the animal kingdom is more common than once believed, “with the discovery of homosexual behavior in more than 10% of prevailing species throughout the world. [It] has been documented in over 450 different animals,” including giraffes, lizards, and several kinds of penguins. There’s no denying that their throat, tongue, and height certainly would be advantageous for gay sexual contact.
But what would sex be without the orgasm, aka, climax, cumming, bustin’ a nut, la petite mort, and/or blowing a load? “In the time it takes to read this sentence, an estimated 250,000 people worldwide will have an orgasm,” this from Anura Guruge’s Orgasms: 101 Facts and Trivia.
On average the male orgasm lasts between 5 and 22 seconds, with 30 seconds considered the uppermost limit. What’s more, during orgasm the heart accelerates to 140 beats per minute and “the time from penetration to climax is approximately 5.4 minutes,” according to WebMD, who’ve obviously never watched any gay porn.
Some orgasms are so electro-chemically intense that they can result in Transient Global Amnesia, a rare medical problem that occurs during or just after sex. It can erase short-term memory for up to six hours, including all traces of the sexual event itself. This might explain the common condition among gay men who can’t remember the name of their partner afterwards, that or they didn’t know what the fuck it was to begin with.