Eau de vie, come n’ get it

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By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.

“A clear, colorless fruit brandy,” Eau de Vie, literally translates from the French as “water of life;” but to gay men it translates as semen (aka cum, spunk, spooge, cock snot, dick cream, icing, and/or clam chowder).  In his lifetime, the average man will bust 7200 loads of jerk sauce, according to Men’s Health; and at 1 – 2 teaspoons per orgasm, that’s roughly 14 gallons, enough to fill the tank of a midsize car or Wet/Dry Shop Vac.

Every load of baby batter contains 20 –100 million sperm (nearly half a trillion before holstering his weapon for the last time) shooting out at 28 mph into various orifices, faces, tissues, towels, socks, computer screens, etc. (that’s only 0.22 mph faster than Usain Bolt runs).  Additionally, a man’s swimmers are clocked at about 0.2 of an inch a second which doesn’t sound like much, but if a sperm whale could swim that fast? Proportionately speaking, he would be cruising along at a mere 15,000 mph.

It should be noted according to Dr. Steven Lamm, M.D. in his book The Hardness Factor, a teaspoon of man milk contains only about five calories (if it’s been a while,  maybe ten).  What’s more, it has the same protein content as a large egg white, which is excellent news.  Now you can go ahead and blow that personal trainer stud at the gym, without blowing your strict diet regiment at home. 

Ironically, the fear of swallowing is called phagophobia.  (There’s a misnomer.)

In Hidden from History: Reclaiming the Gay and Lesbian Past, “The most common form of same-sex love [in ancient Greece] was between an older male, who acted as a mentor, lover, and model for a younger boy. It was believed that sperm was the source of knowledge and that its issue would pass wisdom.”

“I want to pass you my wisdom and knowledge,” may be the oldest line in history, but it’ll get you nowhere fast when trying to nut in a twinkie.

According to Dr. Laura Berman, PhD., there are a lot of ingredients in groin gravy, including, “vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, cholesterol, citric acid, creatine, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc.  Semen is sticky because it contains an enzyme that makes it clot into a gel-like substance… so don’t be too careless with the stuff.” 

Absolutely!  Like the drag queen in the bathroom said, “You ever get cum in your eye?  It buuurns!”

Dr. Berman continues, “…spermine, a powerful antioxidant originally first discovered in human sperm, is said to diminish wrinkles and smooth the skin is now being synthesized in laboratories and sold by a Norwegian company. A swanky New York spa was even offering spermine facials for $250.” 

If this claim were actually true, it would mean that men have the fountain of youth between their legs; women would be begging to go down on them; and gay men would look like fetuses.

But jizz junkies rejoice!  Also present in the wad are mood-enhancing compounds such as cortisol testosterone estrogen, oxytocin, opioid peptides, prolactin, melatonin and serotonin. For this reason, scientists have begun studying the health benefits of its intake.  A recent article on NewsMedical.com, Dutch research suggests, whether ingested or received through intercourse, seminal plasma enters the bloodstream and may help act as a natural anti-depressant; increase energy; improve concentration, memory, mental alertness, and quality of sleep; and reduce pain and anxiety (not to mention it’s free and fun to “cum” by).

Bon Appétit!

Lawrence Pfeil, Jr., is a freelance writer/playwright/critic whose publishers include the New York Blade and Edge Publications. Read his previous sex posts on theOUTfront,

“Man’s Best Friend”

and

“Fuck Yeah!” 

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