By Lawrence Pfeil, Jr.
Being Gay — With all the rights, privileges and honors appertaining thereto; including being fabulous, stylish, and taste makers in most things that straight people will soon want to imitate.
Gay Saints — Judy, Barbra, Liza, Bette, Patti, Cher, and Madonna whose talent and stature no longer require need of their mortal surnames, Garland, Streisand, Minelli, Midler, LuPone, Bono-Allman, or Ciccone from whom we draw strength and inspiration. Not to mention, the “Patron Saint of Homosexuals,” St. Sebastian (no kidding); who was undoubtedly chosen so priests could identify gay men by all the lisping going on while they were saying his name in prayer.
Fierce Black Divas — Darlene Love, Aretha Franklin, Martha Wash, Whitney Houston, Mary J. Blige, Beyoncé, Billy Porter, et al, whose understanding of gay men’s tortured souls compels them to sing. The connection between gay men and black women is so strong in fact; it is thought that gay men are black women who didn’t completely reincarnate.
Nieces and Nephews – We enjoy spoiling them rotten, making us the de facto “fabulous gay uncle” which their tight-ass parents thoroughly resent. So, for all the teasing and torment we took from our siblings growing up, revenge is now served cold. #delicious
Women who carry the “Gay Gene” – They breed with hot studs and continue populating the world with the next generation of beautiful gay babies. We couldn’t do it without you!
More Wine – Shiraz, Pinot Noir, Pinot Grigori, Chardonnay, vodka, scotch, Hennessy, or any other liquor that gets us through family gatherings at the holidays without bloodshed.
Therapists — They helps us learn to let go of damaging baggage from our families; cope with the never-ending drama of insane friends; and resist choking the living shit out of fucked up exes who desperately deserve it! (God bless their prescription pads too)
Modern Condoms and Lube – The earliest condoms from China were made of silk paper while in Japan, tortoise shell and animal horn; by the 16th century Europe, linen sheaths tied with ribbon; but it wasn’t until the early 20th century, natural intestine became popular. Slather them up with lard, olive oil, grease, or Vaseline, and today’s latex/polyisoprene ultra-thins and designer lubes are truly carnal blessings.
Legalized Same-Sex Marriage – The battle was hard fought, the day longtime coming, but we have been granted full equality (for the moment anyway) in reciprocity for the all the Tupperware and expensive wedding presents we’ve given hetero-couples for decades.
Hot Men going Commando – They make the world a more beautiful place to behold, hold, stroke, etc.