10 Alternative Facts we wish were Actually True

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10 Alternative Facts we wish were Actually True

by Lawrence Pfeil, Jr

  • Donald Trump’s mother did love him as a child.
  • The tattoo behind Steve Bannon’s ear is a Tweety bird, not “666.”
  • Kellyanne Conway has a soul and can see her reflection in the mirror.
  • Trump was wandering the White House in his bathrobe just looking for Mitch McConnell’s lemon party.
  • Mike Pence is a true Christian, who loves his gay “neighbors as he loves himself.”
  • Betsy DeVos has an IQ higher than a goldfish.
  • The Administration committed $10M to the immediate cure of flesh eating bacteria which has infected Milo Yiannopoulos’ penis and mouth.
  • Jeff Sessions will be a champion of civil rights and marriage equality because he’s a gay black man forced to “pass” in Alabama as straight and white.
  • Sean Spicer always tells the truth or he receives crippling jolts of electricity to his testicles when he does not.
  • Donald Trump “does unto others as he would have done unto him.”

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